Warning Signs That May Mean Your Marriage Is In Trouble

I often have women (and sometimes men) write to me and ask how can they tell the difference between a run of the mill, reoccurring problem (or a rough patch in their marriage) and things that would indicate that the marriage is in serious and real trouble.  Sometimes, it can be hard for people to tell the difference. 

In fact, sometimes women that I've been helping will write and say something like "I really think it's getting better.  We're not fighting anymore.  We haven't made up either, but he's not going out of his way to fight."  Usually they're surprised when instead of offering congratulations, I begin asking more questions.  The truth is, sometimes, a spouse seeming to "give in" or "calm down" is really the calm before the storm.

The truth is, when a spouse becomes indifferent to your marriage, this can really be the beginning of the end.  Because when they reach this state, they're resigned themselves to the fact that nothing is going to change.  In their mind, they're tried everything that could, but were unsuccessful anyway. The fight within them is gone and they're just ready to move on.  I'll tell you some warning signals that lead to this below.

Things Will Usually Intensify Just Before They Shut Down: The indifference that I talked about usually doesn't happen over night.  Generally, in the beginning, you'll notice a shift in the marriage.  There will be a distance which sometimes you just can't put your finger on.  You'll hope that you're imagining it.  You'll hope that it's either the stress that you are both under or the fact that you're been married for a while and things have gotten either comfortable or stale.  But, it still keeps popping up with more and more regularity.

After the distance usually starts the fights, disagreements, or the pulling away.  Because as the bond erodes, your spouse stops feeling the intimacy and affection for you that used to buffer these fights.  So, now the little things that you both could over look before become issues.  Eventually, the little things turn into big things.  Or, the same old fight just keeps reoccurring because you're not bonded closely enough where either of you is willing to make concessions, nor is either of you is going to be completely happy with the outcome.

Usually, in the beginning of this fighting, there are peaks and valleys.  Things will get bad and then you'll patch things up and they will seem to be better.  Eventually though, you know in your heart that the next time is coming.  You feel that deep down one or both of you just aren't as committed and that you're not 100% sure about anything. 

It's hard to deny that the way that your spouse used to look at you is gone.  They're short with you, spend more time away from home, and you're both just coexisting and walking around on eggshells trying not to fight.  Neither of you are being completely honest.  Some couples will nice one another to death.  What I mean by that is that no one really says what they are thinking. It's all a farce to avoid a fight.  So, you'll be polite, but neither of you are being real.

Sometimes, couples go on this way for a long, long time.  Some even continue on like this right up until their divorce is final.  No one ever addresses the elephant in the room, not even after the divorce ink is dry. 

But, with some couples, this process will frustrate one or both of them and, once they finally begin to express their feelings, all of their pent up anger and frustration will come out in very strong emotions.  Fights will start to become more nasty with people saying things that are very hard, if not impossible, to take back. 

More and more damage to the marriage occurs with each insult.  And, one or both of you just don't care that much about the fall out any more.  The gloves are now off. The things that one or both of you were holding back out of respect or love for one another now come flooding out into the open, with very hurtful consequences.

Now, on the flip side, there's also sometimes the passive – aggressive spouse.  They too are angry and frustrated, but rather than fight with you, they'll punish you by their silence and their distance.  They'll just retreat.  They make themselves scarce and spend less and less time at home or they'll hang out in another area of the house.  With them, there's a million things left unsaid, but they aren't likely to begin speaking any time soon.  They know that their silence is a more effective weapon than words could ever be.  

The Most Dangerous Warning Sign That The Marriage Is In Real Trouble: Indifference: Sometimes, wives are surprised when I tell them that I'm glad to hear that they are still fighting.  I'm glad to hear this because this means that strong emotions are still present and that, even though they are doing it in a negative way, the spouse is still trying to communicate.  Yes, fighting is not the way to do it, but at least you still bring out enough emotion in them to get them to react or to respond.

In my experience, the most dangerous sign that you don't want to see happens once your spouse becomes indifferent to you.  Because at that point, you are no longer eliciting any emotion in them.  They're done.  They could see you prance through the room with your old boyfriend holding hands and it really wouldn't get a rise out of them because in their hearts, they've checked out.

You really don't want to let the situation deteriorate to this point.  Because spouses who are indifferent just aren't at all likely to fight for the marriage.  They've already thrown in the towel in their minds and hearts.  Saving the marriage from this point is sometimes possible, but it's a lot harder work and it takes much longer.  Give me a nasty fight any day because at least there are strong emotions to work with.

Unfortunately, I ignored many of the warning signs that I discussed in this article until it was almost too late. It almost cost me my marriage. Thankfully, I realized my tactics were not working and changed course. Eventually, I was able to not only restore my husband's love, but save our marriage. You can read a very personal story on my blog at http://isavedmymarriage.com/

Mermaid and Coral Reef Teapot - hand sculpted pottery

VINTAGE Wheel Thrown Art Pottery Square Plate,Hand Painted, Calla Lily, Signed $24.99

Hand Thrown Glazed Pot Signed $14.99

2 Hand Thrown Pedestal Mugs Pottery Blue Scroll Handle Signed NICE $42.99

HAND THROWN BULLS EYE POTTERY BOWL - SIGNED INGRAHAM $9.95

LOVELY HAND THROWN POTTERY SIGNED CREAMER/SAUCE/PITCHER $12.95

Hand Thrown Vase Planter beehive shape, yellow brown Signed by potter JB VGC! $1.99

Hand Made Thrown Art Pottery Stoneware Bowl Signed $14.99

SIGNED SNYDER LARGE HAND THROWN STONEWARE AMERICAN STUDIO ART POTTERY VASE MINT $125.00

POTTERY VESSEL - HANDTHROWN - 5 SPOUTS W/ LID - SIGNED KELLEY 3/73 - 5" WIDE $19.99

EARLY 1900 ONE OF A KIND HAND THROWN RAKU STYLE VASE SIGNED BY ARTIST BEAUTIFUL! $89.99

Studio Art Pottery Hand Thrown Serving Plate & Bowl Artist Signed Handcrafted $25.00

Large Gorgeous North Carolina NC Hand Thrown Stoneware Art Pottery Bowl Signed $17.99

Hand thrown pottery vase cup handleless mug set of 2, 1974 signed 70's vintage $8.99

Hand Thrown Pottery Pitcher signed "Bohon" $12.99

UNIQUE HAND-THROWN STONEWARE VASE SIGNED BABCOCK $4.99

HANDCRAFTED HAND THROWN POTTERY CANDLE HOLDERS SIGNED $9.95

14-3/8" Hand Thrown Abstract Studio Pottery Signed OOAK Haddie Hadachek REDUCED $85.00

Hand Thrown Pottery Signed "Karlyn" Creamer & Sugar with Lid - Mint condition $18.99

Hand Thrown Pottery Bird House Artist Signed $49.99

Pink White Hand Thrown Signed Pottery Bowl Pot $39.99

Joe Frank McKee Functional Pottery Vase Hand Thrown Signed $49.99

Glazed Hand Thrown Purple Mountain Asian Japanese-inspired Pottery Bowl Signed $10.99

Studio Art Pottery Modern Era Retro Deco Vase Signed Hand Thrown Stoneware $9.99

Rustic Hand Thrown Pottery Wall Pocket Vase Signed Log Cabin Lodge Western Decor $17.99

Raku Pottery Bowl Hand Thrown Hand Crafted Studio Pottery Artist Signed $45.00

VTG ANTIQ ESTATE SIGNED STUDIO HAND THROWN POTTERY WINE GOBLET PURPLE GLAZE SET $67.99

Terrific Hand Thrown Studio Art Pottery Pitcher Signed $49.00

Wheel Thrown Hand Made Ceramic Stoneware Round Blue Lidded Box Artist Signed $16.99

Studio Pottery Handcrafted Hand Thrown Artist Signed Vase Unique Glaze $6.99

FRITZ REIUDEL HAND THROWN DISH SIGNED & DATED $9.99

Vintage HANDTHROWN Pottery Mugs & Pitcher/Signed/1970's/ Unique Characters/MINT! $64.99

FINE MONTANA STONEWARE, HAND THROWN POTTERY CREAMER SIGNED C. SHEEHAN $24.99

Art Pottery Red Clay Hand Thrown Vase Signed P H $12.50

5 4 inch tall brown tumblers hand thrown signed $8.00

4 -Hand Thrown Japanese Pottery Shallow Bowls -String of Pearls-Signed & Stamped $12.00

Vintage Oriental Hand Thrown Art Pottery Plate Signed $90.99

ELEGANT ART DECO POTTERY VASE HAND THROWN SIGNED $29.95

SIGNED HAND THROWN POTTERY SOUP BOWL & UNDERPLATE $14.95

Signed Hand Thrown Black Blue Matte Rec. Casserole $39.99

Poole Studio Art Pottery Vase England Signed Red & Black Glaze Hand Thrown $49.99

LOVELY HAND THROWN POTTERY NORTHWIND PITCHER SIGNED $16.95

TWO Beautiful Hand Thrown Pottery Chalices SIGNED SCA Pagan King Queen $49.99

LOVELY HAND THROWN POTTERY SIGNED CREAMER & SUGAR BOWL $16.95

BEAUTIFUL JO LESTER IOW POTTERY SIGNED HANDTHROWN +PAINTED BUD/POSY VASE $6.27

VINTAGE SIGNED HAND THROWN POTTERY POT VASE BROWN GRAY $14.95

Lambert Hand Thrown Decorative Pie Plate Signed & w/Potter's Mark $13.99

Handmade Wheel Thrown Stoneware Art Pottery Serve Bowl Hand Carved Swirls Signed $33.99

BEAUTIFUL SIGNED HAND THROWN POTTERY SMALL BOWL $12.95

Handmade Pottery Serving Bowl. Sage Green. Hand Thrown. Signed! MUST GO! Offers? $18.00

VTG HAND THROWN POTTERY BOWL / FLORAL DESIGN / ARTIST SIGNED & DATED $8.99

POTTERY M & M'S JAR HANDTHROWN SIGNED STONEWARE $9.99

Sacks SIGNED ART POTTERY South-western Style CACTUS 9.5" PLATE Hand Thrown $39.60

Sacks SIGNED ART POTTERY South-western Style CACTUS 7" PLATE Hand Thrown Dessert $36.96

HAND THROWN SMALLER CHIP DIP TRAY SIGNED JOHN M. WALSH DTD 2008 10 3/4" D. EC $14.99

SWEET LITTLE CAPE COD POTTERY CREAMER~HAND THROWN~ SIGNED ON THE BOTTOM~A1 COND. $14.99

Hand Made Thrown ART POTTERY Pitcher Jug Signed $24.99

Hand Thrown 9.5" Signed Studio Pottery Reticulated Vase Stoneware Blue $45.00

VINTAGE signed BLUE handthrown JAPANESE studio art pottery VASE with drip GLAZE $49.99

Large Raku Studio Art Pottery Artist Signed MINDY 89 Hand Thrown Round Pot Vase $74.95

Howell Artist Signed Studio Art Pottery Hand Thrown Stoneware LRG Plate Platter $44.95

HAND THROWN DECORATED ART POTTERY BEIGE VASE WITH GREEN GLAZED INTERIOR~SIGNED $24.99

Pottery Red Hearts Blue Tulips Signed Hand Thrown Mug $18.99

HAND MADE THROWN SIGNED STONEWARE POTTERY POT VASE NICE $16.99

D3 Signed Purple Hand Thrown Art Pottery Vase $14.99

vintage ovoid pot/jar,hand thrown studio pottery,signed $29.99

HAND THROWN POT WITH MOTHER OF PEARL INLAY SIGNED PJ $52.00

Handthrown Pottery Vase - Blue & Gold - Signed $19.99

STUDIO HAND THROWN STONEWARE POTTERY MUGS SPONGE HAND PAINTED ~ SIGNED $14.99

Lot of 2 Hand Made Thrown Pottery Bowls Glazed & Signed Green & Blue $57.85

Lot of 2 Hand Made Thrown Pottery Bowl & Charger Glazed & Signed Susan Eslick $48.06

GREEN GLAZED HAND THROWN POTTERY PITCHER SIGNED BY MICHAEL CRAFTON $68.99

BEAUTIFUL SIGNED HAND THROWN POTTERY BOWL $29.95

Keliyah Philips "Peacemaker" Tall Ship Mug Signed Hand Thrown $24.99

Beautiful 8 1/2 inch Tall Hand Made Thrown VASE Signed $39.99

Hand-thrown Pottery Vase! Leaves & Fruit Motif! Signed! 7 1/2 x 4 Inches! $16.50

Hand Thrown Signed V P Brown Oriental Look Pottery Bowl $24.99

Gorgeous Handthrown Aspen Pottery Vase! Blue! No Chips or Cracks! Signed! $28.50

Nice unglazed vintage Japanese sake bottle hand thrown signed $25.50

Hand Thrown Pottery~Signed By Artist~Vase~Speckle Design~Beautiful Vase~VGC $14.99

Studio Art Brown Chip & Dip Hand Thrown Stoneware Pottery Tray Platter SIGNED $30.00

16 Hand Painted Geometric Plate Peru Original Signed $29.95 16" in diameter original clay plate. Signed by the artist original. Hand thrown and painted....